I wish my penis had an off switch
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
