Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
