thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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