I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
