I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
