how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
