Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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