every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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