I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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