It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
