Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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