apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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