i wish there were pregnant emoticons
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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