Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
