Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
