Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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