every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
