you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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