My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
