Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
