Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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