R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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