I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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