I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
