Got a toothbrush?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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