respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
