Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
