I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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