your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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