I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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