So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
