someone threw a dead crab at me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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