Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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