ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
