Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
