Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
