Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
They took my balls.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
