had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
