There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
