I can tuck mytits in my pants
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
