If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
