I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't deserve a penis
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
