Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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