They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
