Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
