I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
