This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
