i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
