I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
