Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
