If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
