i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
